I Introduction n years past I have written a book (Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me) and have produced a video series (You’re Not The Boss Of Me) about narcissism. I had seen the devastating effects of controlling behavior upon relationships, so I wanted to draw attention to the fact that controlling behavior needs to be contained as people engage on a personal level with one another. Instead, there are ways to be influential without resorting to coercion or manipulative tactics.

An upside to my work is the privilege of helping individuals adjust their controlling patterns in relationships for the purpose of finding a better path. As I conferred with people who have contended with narcissism, my awareness of another pattern came into sharper focus. For every person who has control problems, there are several more people who appease the controllers in a pattern of people pleasing. Just as the controlling pattern is unhealthy, I have seen how the pattern of people-pleasing can likewise be toxic. People pleasers can be the nicest people you meet, but I have worked diligently to help them remain pleasing without succumbing to unhealthy or self-defeating behavior.

I genuinely believe in the value of traits like servitude, kindness, and cooperation. Relationship health depends heavily upon such foundational qualities. That said, I have found that many people, in the effort to be pleasant, actually encourage others to continue manipulating and controlling them. What is worse, these persons become prone to everdeepening struggles with resentment, fear, or false guilt. This pattern can and should be halted. My aim in writing this book is to help people pleasers find balance between their desire to serve and their ability to be assertive. I operate on the assumption that no relationship unfolds without a few kinks, so it is necessary to know how to establish proper boundaries and resolve conflicts.

People pleasers often assume they cannot afford to stand firmly for their legitimate needs or convictions, but this is not the case. It is an act of love and responsibility when we stand up for healthy convictions. To put it another way, we do no one any favors when we establish relationship patterns that perpetuate others’ insensitivities. As you read this book, approach it with a three-fold goal: Be willing to (1) identify the components in your relating style that are leading you in the wrong direction; (2) contemplate why you manage your life as you do; and (3) target healthy attitudes and behaviors that will lead to the desired improvements. To assist in these goals, I have included questions throughout—both in the flow of the text and in the side margins—to help you personalize the information in that chapter and apply it to your life. If you choose to use these questions as part of a family or group discussion, that could certainly prove beneficial.